Yes.. yet again I am back with the same topic. But I believe it had not left me until the last few days.
It is like a black hole you keep getting sucked in and in and as you enter, things get darker and darker and murkier. It also gets worse when the depression is accompanied with fear. fear of people judging, general public opinion, fear of what is wrong and what is right.
And the outcome of it is incessant crying, without any rhyme or reason.. I mean what the hell! how sadist is even that thought!!
But , it only the depressed that can help himself.
And at that point, you become so needy or others attention that you become more depressed- yes that is the dirty truth of it. You want everyone to have pity, understand your woes- but why should they!?
It is only now that I feel this remorse towards myself for feeling that otherwise I too was deep immersed in that self pity, that I was blinded with it, that it did not let me think clearly. But again , contrarily, I would not want to have that remorse, is was me after all, and if I don’t accept my self and abhor myself can I ever be happy?
It’s been long that I have written, that I have introspected and now as I look back at my life, i see the necessity of that phase of depression that I went through.. it was necessary to vent things out as if to cleanse my emotional being in order to begin a new life.
Soon things fell into place work wise and in life, and now I feel all the toxins are out out my self for me to think clearly and focus. I am doing just that. I have fought with my thoughts which were pushing my to end my life, which were making me feel inferior than everyone around me. I have come out victorious in the battle with self.
This made me connect to the project semicolon, where I read so many stories similar to mine, or worse and I feel a part of that larger group in the world which is together unknown yet connected.
This is to each and everyone of us who has come out of the battle of depression, victorious and just as a semi colon gives a sentence a pause but a continuation, we too have given our lives that pause and not a fullstop and have chosen to embrace our lives and celebrate it.