life, Uncategorized

Soul Love

 

"Love? What is that? nothing
but a figment of my imagination"
Lingering, longing, lasting love
Simmering and steaming with passion.
Upon the first glimpse
One is blinded with the glare of desire.
Looking closely, it is a shield of metal.
What the world sees as an epitome,
Is as hollow as inside of a tomb."

The mind knows to differentiate
it cannot love anyone without 
loving itself. "Who ever I love, 
said he, must reciprocate."

But the gracious soul,
the innocent one with a feeble voice,
chuckled at the ignorance of the mind.
" You poor thing, you, she said,
don't you see? are you blind?,
you can only love yourself,
when you are selfless.
The universe is within us and 
we are within the universe.
Love is that state of being 
which transcends and
does not coerce."





 



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life, Uncategorized

Giving up

Slowly, Steadily,it creeps
Eating me up from within
Be oblivious I say to self
But my self doesn't pay heed.
Giving up slowly I realise,
it is a slow poison, working
cunningly maliciously in me.

I have to combat, I say
running helter-skelter,
finding my refuge in 
spirits, herb and smoke, 
my antidotes.

Now, my body harbours two beings
One, closer to that supernatural
and damaged by thoughts. Other,
plunged in thoughts far from Above
supported by fellow free spirits.

Behind all those smiles, leaps
fooleries, cackles, 
lies a pool of tears.
Pat on the back to self, each day
for the commendable show put up.

Now, its time. "Enough!", 
said the softer voice.
time to break open and 
stand up against the enemies.
Time for the one to crush
the other being from within. 

But somewhere the softer being 
knows that it ain't so easy
and with that thought, it
crumbles, giving it all up.


  

life, Uncategorized

Reminiscing experiences

I know not anymore what I spoke
Albeit I know what I felt.
Memory is becoming a pariah to the mind
It is your touch that reminds me
of who I am and what want to be.
The early morning vulnerabilities,
emotional and physical
remind me of the time we had,
of the your breath,soothing me
back to bed.
And then, anxiety creeps,
Will the azure of the sea 
and sky ever be one?
Distance is the horizon,
you, the limitless sky and
I, the never-ending sea.

life, Uncategorized

Lost hope

Thoughts scattered in my head 
Like the smoke of my cigarette 
Here one moment 
Gone the next. 

What's there for me 
I know not. 
To seize the day 
Or cease to be. 

Spreading happiness around me
Is just a reflection 
Of what I want to be. 
Trying to fill in the gorge 
Left behind deep in me. 

Someone come to rescue
Before its too late. 
Lest I forget the world 
I once wanted to create 

Hoping for the light
In the end of the tunnel. 
In hoping for the light to
Bring back that sun 
I have lost the hope that once 
Adorned my smile. 


life, Uncategorized

Unfaltering Faith

 

Battered self
loathed self
worthless self.
Incomplete phrases,
few words defining self.
Hold your ground they said,
spilt all over self.
Where to go
what to do
What is next?
words resounding in my head.

Hovering around in blank space
when things around are crumbling.
how shall collect all the 
broken pieces of me
and patch them together to find my ground?

I am like  the particles of dust
All over and yet no where.
Waiting for that drop of rain 
to settle me down,
having found my ground.






		
life, Uncategorized

An apprehensive yet hopeful 2016

Everyone’s new year starts with a  good note,and like always, 2015 and 2016 too did for me. But after being battered emotionally in the year 2015 right from the first month,  till until the ninth.[Yes it does sound like I bore my issues (pun intended) until one day it decided to come out of  me and help me grow out of it. But it was indeed like that] I hope that 2016 turns out to be good.

2015 started with with my family visiting me in the hills and my father suffering from a heart attack and having to undergo a by pass surgery. Through it all, I had to be the rock to my mother and look after the hospitals issues, even if I wanted to break down, I couldn’t, I couldn’t do it for my mother who broke down every single day not knowing what is happening around her, she was like in a daze.

This stayed with me for some months.. giving me shudders whenever the thought of the incident crossed my mind. After the incident, my mother developed asthama, which was difficult to diagnose and it got worse when suddenly my brother decided to  leave for work to Gabon, Africa. My parents, more my mom suffered from empty nest syndrome. And I was helpless here.. in the hills, which my parents are apprehensive to come after the incident.   At the work front things weren’t going good as well, I was put in a programme which never quite motivated me to work and to exacerbate the situation, my reporting officer wasn’t an easy person to please, thought will all good will she did try to help me out and wanted to sort my issues anyhow possible. Along with it, there was a huge apprehension about how difficult  managing a long distance would be with my partner going  abroad to pursue his second masters.

In short, I was going through a huge emotional turmoil which almost pushed me to end my life.. the only thought that stopped me from doing is that of my parents after my death. I know for a fact how difficult it is for parents to see their child dead, many instances in my family have shown me that. I know everyone else in my life, my brother, my partner for 12 years, my closest friends, all of them will finally manage to move on but not my parents. I owe this second leg of my life to them and only them.

After all this, I have finally decided to have my own dream and try to fulfill them, if not, do whatever I really want to. Not that I don’t want to or don’t like my present job, I am looking for more challenges may be and more extra curricular activities, along with my work I want to dance, paint and what not! More than that I am yearning for a bigger experience.. I want to travel.

So yes after a tumultuous year of 2015, I am quite apprehensive  about how 2016 will be.. though deep in heart I am hopeful that things will fall into place..  🙂

Wishing everyone a joyful year ahead! may 2016 fulfill your dreams 🙂

 

 

life, To my unborn child

A message

To my unborn child,
this is for you to know of the 
hardships and opportunity 
in the world before you choose
to come, or not.

The world is full of contradictions,
one moment, full of love 
the next, of hatred.
Whimsical as a butterfly,
to flutter, or not
It is full of expectations and 
yet full of surprises.Albeit mostly,
the world is expecting surprises.
Like a flower in the crack of dawn,
to bloom, or not.
I may not be a writer,
nor will I ever be.
But today, I felt it's time 
to give my child a choice
to be born, or not.

 

life

To my unborn child

To my unborn child,
wherever you are, 
just know that I am here
to tell you about the world 
which one day you might 
come in through me, or not.
Today, I want to give you 
a choice to make, to manifest
Or be immortal.
To my unborn child, 
wherever you are, 
Just know that, 
whatever you choose,
Remember, you will always 
be a part of me, born,
or not.
life

Dance the depressed weather away!

What is the best way of coming out of your slumber on a depressed day? depressed because it is grey all around and Mr sun is acting pricey! it is dirty dancing! Yes, just plugin your ear plugs and play all sorts of peppy songs on full volume- remember you are the only one listening, and dance your heart out till you are totally tired, panting and can feel your heartbeats.

P.S- you can only do this exercise when you are alone, that way your true self will be unleashed, and you will surprise yourself. Trust me.

Yes, this is what I just did to shake myself up from bed. This incessant rain and misty weather can get to you and I only realised it when I caught myself staring at the ceiling blankly! I literally have been in a limbo the whole weekend.. laying cosily under blanket and coming out only when I am forced by my bodily needs! 😉 I haven’t stepped out of my door, the condition is so bad!

And this is how my weekend quickly visited me and disappeared before coming back again hopefully soon. Waiting desperately for the sun to show up and energise and kick me back to my regular  and active life. How was your weekend?