Slowly, Steadily,it creeps Eating me up from within Be oblivious I say to self But my self doesn't pay heed. Giving up slowly I realise, it is a slow poison, working cunningly maliciously in me. I have to combat, I say running helter-skelter, finding my refuge in spirits, herb and smoke, my antidotes. Now, my body harbours two beings One, closer to that supernatural and damaged by thoughts. Other, plunged in thoughts far from Above supported by fellow free spirits. Behind all those smiles, leaps fooleries, cackles, lies a pool of tears. Pat on the back to self, each day for the commendable show put up. Now, its time. "Enough!", said the softer voice. time to break open and stand up against the enemies. Time for the one to crush the other being from within. But somewhere the softer being knows that it ain't so easy and with that thought, it crumbles, giving it all up.
I know not anymore what I spoke Albeit I know what I felt. Memory is becoming a pariah to the mind It is your touch that reminds me of who I am and what want to be. The early morning vulnerabilities, emotional and physical remind me of the time we had, of the your breath,soothing me back to bed. And then, anxiety creeps, Will the azure of the sea and sky ever be one? Distance is the horizon, you, the limitless sky and I, the never-ending sea.
Thoughts scattered in my head Like the smoke of my cigarette Here one moment Gone the next. What's there for me I know not. To seize the day Or cease to be. Spreading happiness around me Is just a reflection Of what I want to be. Trying to fill in the gorge Left behind deep in me. Someone come to rescue Before its too late. Lest I forget the world I once wanted to create Hoping for the light In the end of the tunnel. In hoping for the light to Bring back that sun I have lost the hope that once Adorned my smile.
Battered self loathed self worthless self. Incomplete phrases, few words defining self. Hold your ground they said, spilt all over self. Where to go what to do What is next? words resounding in my head. Hovering around in blank space when things around are crumbling. how shall collect all the broken pieces of me and patch them together to find my ground? I am like the particles of dust All over and yet no where. Waiting for that drop of rain to settle me down, having found my ground.
Everyone’s new year starts with a good note,and like always, 2015 and 2016 too did for me. But after being battered emotionally in the year 2015 right from the first month, till until the ninth.[Yes it does sound like I bore my issues (pun intended) until one day it decided to come out of me and help me grow out of it. But it was indeed like that] I hope that 2016 turns out to be good.
2015 started with with my family visiting me in the hills and my father suffering from a heart attack and having to undergo a by pass surgery. Through it all, I had to be the rock to my mother and look after the hospitals issues, even if I wanted to break down, I couldn’t, I couldn’t do it for my mother who broke down every single day not knowing what is happening around her, she was like in a daze.
This stayed with me for some months.. giving me shudders whenever the thought of the incident crossed my mind. After the incident, my mother developed asthama, which was difficult to diagnose and it got worse when suddenly my brother decided to leave for work to Gabon, Africa. My parents, more my mom suffered from empty nest syndrome. And I was helpless here.. in the hills, which my parents are apprehensive to come after the incident. At the work front things weren’t going good as well, I was put in a programme which never quite motivated me to work and to exacerbate the situation, my reporting officer wasn’t an easy person to please, thought will all good will she did try to help me out and wanted to sort my issues anyhow possible. Along with it, there was a huge apprehension about how difficult managing a long distance would be with my partner going abroad to pursue his second masters.
In short, I was going through a huge emotional turmoil which almost pushed me to end my life.. the only thought that stopped me from doing is that of my parents after my death. I know for a fact how difficult it is for parents to see their child dead, many instances in my family have shown me that. I know everyone else in my life, my brother, my partner for 12 years, my closest friends, all of them will finally manage to move on but not my parents. I owe this second leg of my life to them and only them.
After all this, I have finally decided to have my own dream and try to fulfill them, if not, do whatever I really want to. Not that I don’t want to or don’t like my present job, I am looking for more challenges may be and more extra curricular activities, along with my work I want to dance, paint and what not! More than that I am yearning for a bigger experience.. I want to travel.
So yes after a tumultuous year of 2015, I am quite apprehensive about how 2016 will be.. though deep in heart I am hopeful that things will fall into place.. 🙂
Wishing everyone a joyful year ahead! may 2016 fulfill your dreams 🙂