life, Uncategorized

Emancipation- A breakup with my breakup

So it’s been 6 months that I have broken up from a 13-year-old relationship.  It has been a roller coaster ride since.Bouts of depression, a flurry of happiness, coupled with some excitement and apprehensions. Through it all, one thing that has been constant has been introspection.  The eternal whining post a breakup – why me? why us? I really loved him, we were really happy together- wait there, were we???

That got me thinking, what was I with him? and What am I without? Not too sound too poetic, but then it dawned upon me. My love for him was turning into a poison for myself. I was looking for a shelter in a battlefield.  I had stopped listening to myself, stooped paying heed to my instinct. Was it really love then?

 I was majorly taken for granted, and somewhere I enjoyed that. Hah! what a fool.  I kept ignoring the signs, I was so blinded by love for him that I couldn’t love myself.  I was hardly ever valued for my opinions, or rather my whole existence. Tall tales are basically what kept me going and believing that one day I will be happy with this guy who apparently loved me ( fun fact is that even his closest friends confessed that if it were them in his place, and if it was love, then they would have done anything to not to let it go) Well, well coming back to my story of the spineless prince, who couldn’t stand up for me for the love he professed he had for me ( meh!)  So towards the end of our relationship when I started gettng strong signals that he is not actually into me, I had blogged about it. Being the nonconfrontational-subdued-diffident- and all the other similar adjectives you could attach to me-  I was snubbed for having written such a blog, I had actually spoken my heart out! Oh my god what an achievement you’d say but at that point, what a blasphemy! I have opened up a can of worms which eventually devoured the little crumbs of the remaining relationship! As a diffident person, I blamed myself to no end, bawling continuously for days, calling and texting, begging and still getting badgered by rude responses I kept my hopes high that he would come back to me. Still not realising that my lousy-spinless-prince charming didn’t have an ounce of grace or decency as you may call, to even video call me to end our relationship. ( what a no-brainer- you’d say!)

In those times of crisis does one realise one’s true relations.  A younger brother who had suddenly grown up to laugh at me and showing me the mirror that for all these years I had ignored. A Soul Sister fro childhood pulling me out of the situation and giving me a new life. A baby sister standing right by my side despite the strong currents of depression. And of course, parents who kept me afloat through it all.

Funnily enough through it, I also encountered “Friends” who ransacked the story out of me only to make it the talk of the town- (You know what happened??). Oh also a common friend between my lousy spineless ex and I, who had tried to make moves on me when I was already in the relationship ( sadly I had even confessed to my ex but hey what do you expect? ) of course grabbed the opportunity, this is time more verbal, to tell me that he doesn’t regret all that he has done in the past even more so because my great ex and his best friend didn’t confront him! ( Dude, haven’t you heard of CONSENT)  but yours truly diffident couldn’t speak up even this.

I guess I must stop this rant now and finally come to the point.  Today I feel liberated I am not judged, don’t care if I am. I am not ashamed of the blog post I had written and thankfully by some instinct I had taken the screenshots before taking it down.  Hoping that through this I will somewhere manage to save a similar me residing somewhere else.

Unabashedly yours

P.S- Would really appreciate if you left a comment regarding your feeling about this post, or if you have any tips to go through a breakup, or if you relate to any of this, or just a simple hi.  I would love to connect with like-minded people and learn from them 🙂

Also- don’t forget to leave sparkles wherever you go!


A part of me

And suddenly I stopped waking
Up to a hope, of signs from you.
A decade and a quarter with you
Vanished , just like that!
We rolled all our memories
And smoked them away.
Perhaps I should have never
trusted you with my life.
Maybe I didn't, when you
Promised to never go.
Maybe I didn't, when you
Said you don't love.
I wish one day we realise
The value of what we had.
Until then I wish you well
And I move ahead,
hoping to find love again.
Not anymore, no grudges held.
You just gave up and pushed me
Off the cliff. You saved yourself.
I concur to the difficulty of
Facing your true self.
You became weaker and I,Could no
Longer hold you up. You were
right, maybe we never were
meant to be. Yet we are
left and forever will
be ,with a part of
you and me.
To one

The lost wait

Beyond the nightfall 
Before the dawn, 
There's is a world of dreams 
In which I meet you. 
Crossing the threshold of reality 
Embracing the lucid, fluidity,
I feel you,holding me from 
Breaking apart.  

Waking up to the world, not ours,  
I yearn for that moment of love. 
Having not found it I turn onto 
The light and wait for it to pass. 
You, had  left. Perhaps I was
Late.You didn't wait and I,
Never stopped waiting.
life, Uncategorized

Soul Love


"Love? What is that? nothing
but a figment of my imagination"
Lingering, longing, lasting love
Simmering and steaming with passion.
Upon the first glimpse
One is blinded with the glare of desire.
Looking closely, it is a shield of metal.
What the world sees as an epitome,
Is as hollow as inside of a tomb."

The mind knows to differentiate
it cannot love anyone without 
loving itself. "Who ever I love, 
said he, must reciprocate."

But the gracious soul,
the innocent one with a feeble voice,
chuckled at the ignorance of the mind.
" You poor thing, you, she said,
don't you see? are you blind?,
you can only love yourself,
when you are selfless.
The universe is within us and 
we are within the universe.
Love is that state of being 
which transcends and
does not coerce."


life, Uncategorized

Giving up

Slowly, Steadily,it creeps
Eating me up from within
Be oblivious I say to self
But my self doesn't pay heed.
Giving up slowly I realise,
it is a slow poison, working
cunningly maliciously in me.

I have to combat, I say
running helter-skelter,
finding my refuge in 
spirits, herb and smoke, 
my antidotes.

Now, my body harbours two beings
One, closer to that supernatural
and damaged by thoughts. Other,
plunged in thoughts far from Above
supported by fellow free spirits.

Behind all those smiles, leaps
fooleries, cackles, 
lies a pool of tears.
Pat on the back to self, each day
for the commendable show put up.

Now, its time. "Enough!", 
said the softer voice.
time to break open and 
stand up against the enemies.
Time for the one to crush
the other being from within. 

But somewhere the softer being 
knows that it ain't so easy
and with that thought, it
crumbles, giving it all up.


life, Uncategorized

Reminiscing experiences

I know not anymore what I spoke
Albeit I know what I felt.
Memory is becoming a pariah to the mind
It is your touch that reminds me
of who I am and what want to be.
The early morning vulnerabilities,
emotional and physical
remind me of the time we had,
of the your breath,soothing me
back to bed.
And then, anxiety creeps,
Will the azure of the sea 
and sky ever be one?
Distance is the horizon,
you, the limitless sky and
I, the never-ending sea.

life, Uncategorized

Lost hope

Thoughts scattered in my head 
Like the smoke of my cigarette 
Here one moment 
Gone the next. 

What's there for me 
I know not. 
To seize the day 
Or cease to be. 

Spreading happiness around me
Is just a reflection 
Of what I want to be. 
Trying to fill in the gorge 
Left behind deep in me. 

Someone come to rescue
Before its too late. 
Lest I forget the world 
I once wanted to create 

Hoping for the light
In the end of the tunnel. 
In hoping for the light to
Bring back that sun 
I have lost the hope that once 
Adorned my smile. 


Be Naked to me

What is your truth?
who are you?
I don't know whether
this is the being who 
seems to be you

Remove that mask,
tell me your story,
be naked to me, 

How do you expect me
to trust you with 
everything that I own?
If there is a constant 
apprehension in me.

Remove that mask,
tell me your story,
be naked to me, 

I am certain, it is 
not my insecurities 
that speak now.
It is a voice from 
within, free now.

Remove that mask,
tell me your story,
be naked to me,

It is that voice 
which you have for so long
stubbed, just as you would, 
to your cigarette.
It is time, tell me.

Remove that mask,
Tell me your story,
only then, be naked to me,

life, Uncategorized

An apprehensive yet hopeful 2016

Everyone’s new year starts with a  good note,and like always, 2015 and 2016 too did for me. But after being battered emotionally in the year 2015 right from the first month,  till until the ninth.[Yes it does sound like I bore my issues (pun intended) until one day it decided to come out of  me and help me grow out of it. But it was indeed like that] I hope that 2016 turns out to be good.

2015 started with with my family visiting me in the hills and my father suffering from a heart attack and having to undergo a by pass surgery. Through it all, I had to be the rock to my mother and look after the hospitals issues, even if I wanted to break down, I couldn’t, I couldn’t do it for my mother who broke down every single day not knowing what is happening around her, she was like in a daze.

This stayed with me for some months.. giving me shudders whenever the thought of the incident crossed my mind. After the incident, my mother developed asthama, which was difficult to diagnose and it got worse when suddenly my brother decided to  leave for work to Gabon, Africa. My parents, more my mom suffered from empty nest syndrome. And I was helpless here.. in the hills, which my parents are apprehensive to come after the incident.   At the work front things weren’t going good as well, I was put in a programme which never quite motivated me to work and to exacerbate the situation, my reporting officer wasn’t an easy person to please, thought will all good will she did try to help me out and wanted to sort my issues anyhow possible. Along with it, there was a huge apprehension about how difficult  managing a long distance would be with my partner going  abroad to pursue his second masters.

In short, I was going through a huge emotional turmoil which almost pushed me to end my life.. the only thought that stopped me from doing is that of my parents after my death. I know for a fact how difficult it is for parents to see their child dead, many instances in my family have shown me that. I know everyone else in my life, my brother, my partner for 12 years, my closest friends, all of them will finally manage to move on but not my parents. I owe this second leg of my life to them and only them.

After all this, I have finally decided to have my own dream and try to fulfill them, if not, do whatever I really want to. Not that I don’t want to or don’t like my present job, I am looking for more challenges may be and more extra curricular activities, along with my work I want to dance, paint and what not! More than that I am yearning for a bigger experience.. I want to travel.

So yes after a tumultuous year of 2015, I am quite apprehensive  about how 2016 will be.. though deep in heart I am hopeful that things will fall into place..  🙂

Wishing everyone a joyful year ahead! may 2016 fulfill your dreams 🙂



life, To my unborn child

A message

To my unborn child,
this is for you to know of the 
hardships and opportunity 
in the world before you choose
to come, or not.

The world is full of contradictions,
one moment, full of love 
the next, of hatred.
Whimsical as a butterfly,
to flutter, or not
It is full of expectations and 
yet full of surprises.Albeit mostly,
the world is expecting surprises.
Like a flower in the crack of dawn,
to bloom, or not.
I may not be a writer,
nor will I ever be.
But today, I felt it's time 
to give my child a choice
to be born, or not.