life, Uncategorized

Emancipation- A breakup with my breakup

So it’s been 6 months that I have broken up from a 13-year-old relationship.  It has been a roller coaster ride since.Bouts of depression, a flurry of happiness, coupled with some excitement and apprehensions. Through it all, one thing that has been constant has been introspection.  The eternal whining post a breakup – why me? why us? I really loved him, we were really happy together- wait there, were we???

That got me thinking, what was I with him? and What am I without? Not too sound too poetic, but then it dawned upon me. My love for him was turning into a poison for myself. I was looking for a shelter in a battlefield.  I had stopped listening to myself, stooped paying heed to my instinct. Was it really love then?

 I was majorly taken for granted, and somewhere I enjoyed that. Hah! what a fool.  I kept ignoring the signs, I was so blinded by love for him that I couldn’t love myself.  I was hardly ever valued for my opinions, or rather my whole existence. Tall tales are basically what kept me going and believing that one day I will be happy with this guy who apparently loved me ( fun fact is that even his closest friends confessed that if it were them in his place, and if it was love, then they would have done anything to not to let it go) Well, well coming back to my story of the spineless prince, who couldn’t stand up for me for the love he professed he had for me ( meh!)  So towards the end of our relationship when I started gettng strong signals that he is not actually into me, I had blogged about it. Being the nonconfrontational-subdued-diffident- and all the other similar adjectives you could attach to me-  I was snubbed for having written such a blog, I had actually spoken my heart out! Oh my god what an achievement you’d say but at that point, what a blasphemy! I have opened up a can of worms which eventually devoured the little crumbs of the remaining relationship! As a diffident person, I blamed myself to no end, bawling continuously for days, calling and texting, begging and still getting badgered by rude responses I kept my hopes high that he would come back to me. Still not realising that my lousy-spinless-prince charming didn’t have an ounce of grace or decency as you may call, to even video call me to end our relationship. ( what a no-brainer- you’d say!)

In those times of crisis does one realise one’s true relations.  A younger brother who had suddenly grown up to laugh at me and showing me the mirror that for all these years I had ignored. A Soul Sister fro childhood pulling me out of the situation and giving me a new life. A baby sister standing right by my side despite the strong currents of depression. And of course, parents who kept me afloat through it all.

Funnily enough through it, I also encountered “Friends” who ransacked the story out of me only to make it the talk of the town- (You know what happened??). Oh also a common friend between my lousy spineless ex and I, who had tried to make moves on me when I was already in the relationship ( sadly I had even confessed to my ex but hey what do you expect? ) of course grabbed the opportunity, this is time more verbal, to tell me that he doesn’t regret all that he has done in the past even more so because my great ex and his best friend didn’t confront him! ( Dude, haven’t you heard of CONSENT)  but yours truly diffident couldn’t speak up even this.

I guess I must stop this rant now and finally come to the point.  Today I feel liberated I am not judged, don’t care if I am. I am not ashamed of the blog post I had written and thankfully by some instinct I had taken the screenshots before taking it down.  Hoping that through this I will somewhere manage to save a similar me residing somewhere else.

Unabashedly yours

P.S- Would really appreciate if you left a comment regarding your feeling about this post, or if you have any tips to go through a breakup, or if you relate to any of this, or just a simple hi.  I would love to connect with like-minded people and learn from them 🙂

Also- don’t forget to leave sparkles wherever you go!

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life, Uncategorized

Giving up

Slowly, Steadily,it creeps
Eating me up from within
Be oblivious I say to self
But my self doesn't pay heed.
Giving up slowly I realise,
it is a slow poison, working
cunningly maliciously in me.

I have to combat, I say
running helter-skelter,
finding my refuge in 
spirits, herb and smoke, 
my antidotes.

Now, my body harbours two beings
One, closer to that supernatural
and damaged by thoughts. Other,
plunged in thoughts far from Above
supported by fellow free spirits.

Behind all those smiles, leaps
fooleries, cackles, 
lies a pool of tears.
Pat on the back to self, each day
for the commendable show put up.

Now, its time. "Enough!", 
said the softer voice.
time to break open and 
stand up against the enemies.
Time for the one to crush
the other being from within. 

But somewhere the softer being 
knows that it ain't so easy
and with that thought, it
crumbles, giving it all up.


  

Uncategorized

Be Naked to me

What is your truth?
who are you?
I don't know whether
this is the being who 
seems to be you

Remove that mask,
tell me your story,
be naked to me, 
Emotionally.

How do you expect me
to trust you with 
everything that I own?
If there is a constant 
apprehension in me.

Remove that mask,
tell me your story,
be naked to me, 
Psychically.

I am certain, it is 
not my insecurities 
that speak now.
It is a voice from 
within, free now.

Remove that mask,
tell me your story,
be naked to me,
Mentally.

It is that voice 
which you have for so long
stubbed, just as you would, 
to your cigarette.
It is time, tell me.

Remove that mask,
Tell me your story,
only then, be naked to me,
Physically.