Keeping Calm

In the midst of my finding my happiness and peace, I have encountered an hurdle, that called family. Family is something you can ignore if you’re born with it. Well sometimes you can make a family on the way as you make some deep friendships. But the family that you are born with can be the most warn and yet the most cold place you could be.

Right now, I am in the most cold place. A place I don’t recognise, a place I feel stifled in, the place I want to quit forever. Right now, I see no reason to live. the support system that I thought I had, isn’t there. My family thinks I over react to things, everything that I am disturbed with, is an reaction to my action. I have been creaming on top of my head only to make myself heard and understood, but that unfortunately has been misconstrued as just an empty vessel making noise. So much so that I now am believing that perhaps I am the empty vessel.. well I am getting empty. I was also told that I hold on to things way to much, well I only cared. I only wished I got a little more respect in this house that I deserved.

Now I have nothing left in me to fight, me fighting back has created such a rift that now I will just be quiet. and more than that, I will try be calm and control what I speak, in general.

Loving myself

First off, I love it that I have a digital personal diary right here! 😀

Anyway, today’s topic that I chose to write about is on love. Love that I have been trying hard to find around me, outside of me, but when I ask myself if I love myself that much- I take a moment to ponder and then respond with a no.

I still haven’t found a formula to love oneself- I wish it were a formula though, where in the instruction it would go- take one tablespoon of this formula, mix with 1 glass of warm water and bam, here you go, you love yourself!

What I have heard my friends say is that I need to listen to myself, but I have tried and heard nothing.. I still don’t know what makes me and only me happy without involving anyone else.

How do I prioritise myself above most, I feel like such a mess. I think in order to listen to myself, I need to tell things only to myself and not announce them to the world and then I fell like shit for doing that, assuming that people are judging me and I am all just faff. Whereas the truth could be that nobody is, but that’s the most difficult part get myself convinced. Gosh.

ok. Let’s start with spending time with myself. As much as possible. Even when in a crowd, what is it that I need, what is it that I want to do? What is it that I like, and dislike?

Whatever makes me happy. Whatever.